The Ministry of Silly Walks

I never really think about how I walk. Most of the time I really only walk short distances at a time. But I recently observed the way others walk, you saw that a vast majority of them stride rather strangely. Some will swagger while others wiggle, and some walks are just plain weird. It's not hard to wonder how they adopted such an unusual stride. I think it's safe to assume that we all pretty much learned how to walk the same way. One foot in front of the other. So what makes us all seem to walk differently than each other. I certainly don't remember my first steps or how I learned the art of being a pedestrian. In the early 70's consumer video cameras weren't available yet and my parents couldn't afford an 8mm. I did however father children and I can distinctly recollect their rise to pedestrian status.


My kids learned to walk at a very young age. Our sons first steps were taken at the age of 7 months in a funeral home of all places. Our daughter wasn't too far behind, learning to walk by the time she was 9 months. Yes, we were pleasantly surprised at their fancy foot work, to say the least. Most kids don't even sit up until they are six months old. Freaks of nature? Maybe. We just got really lucky I guess. It just seemed to come naturally. I must admit, it's kinda bizarre to see such tiny human beings walking about with such large heads.

Now just because they started walking doesn't mean it was pretty. Gravity is a cruel teacher, and the weight of their massive (but very cute) heads, would tend to throw their balance off quite a bit. Watching their little feet running to catch up with their craniums before they did a face plant on the lynolium, was hours of fun. But as their strength and confidence with this new found mobility increased, it truly was an amazing site to behold. One of the most beautiful things to see, is a child learn to walk.

The other day I decided to gave my bike and body a rest and had my wife drop me off at work. It was odd not dripping with sweat for the first 30 minutes of my work day, but it was a nice break. Or so I thought. The thing that I didn't count on was a new found love for getting my heart rate up in any way I can. By the end of the day I was itching for some cardiovascular mayhem. Without a bike though I had to hit the road with nothing but my size 11s and the wind beneath my wings. For the next couple of hours I would become the walking man and like my children, saw myself learning how to walk all over again. This time though, the right way.

Part of my triathlon training is for a marathon. 26.2 miles of doing something I haven't done since high school gym class. Run! It's been a while for sure, so I wanted to make sure that before I started running my ass off, my walking skills were up to par. I have to say that this was a bit of a last minute thing to undertake. It would be a good test for sure, but I was sorely unprepared. My Chuck Taylors and regular pants, were certainly not the functional fashion required to walk long distances comfortably. But I was determined to feel the calorie burn and just headed for home, all the while trying to focus on how I was propelling myself through the city.

At first it was easy to focus on what I was doing. I had just finished sitting on my ass in front of a computer for 8 hours, I was anxious to get on with my cardio session. It was important to really think about what my body was doing and how I felt as I walked. So as I took off down the street, I kept several things in mind as I put one foot in front of the other. How am I breathing? How do my feet feel? What is my posture like? Am I moving my arms in the right timing? All very important things to look at and refine in order to go the distance. And going the distance (as I soon found out) would be wearisome.

Like I said earlier, things got off to a pretty good start. Now I knew I was gonna have issues with my foot wear, so mentally I was prepared for that. As I got further on my way though, at about 2 miles or so, I realized that proper foot wear would be an essential part to successfully getting in shape for this insanity. I started to make deals with my brain, that if it blocked out the pain and we made it home, that I would never do this again without the right gear. My mind seemed to agree to the terms and I managed to push passed the pain and continue on my way.

At about half way through the 6 mile trek, the fatigue in my back began to settle in. I also found my stride getting very sloppy and out of sorts. I was no longer taking steps with purpose. I was just trying to propel myself forward and get this shit over with. It was getting dark and things from a pain stand point were bordering on wicked bad! Guess my mind decided to go back on its word and my body was totally beginning to feel it. Every joint in my body began to ache. The pain in my back and feet were so bad I could not decide which was worse. It didn't really matter, I was in a world of hurt with 3 more miles still to go!

Several times I almost pulled the phone out and let out a big cry for help. But I stayed strong and chalked it up to training. I was not about to back down. Shit! I was walking for god's sake. If I couldn't handle this, how the hell would I be able to run! This whole situation I had found myself in was pretty pathetic, but I digress. The important thing was that I kept going and began to refine the other part of the training process. Sucking it up! My mind began to swim with all kinds of random thoughts. I noticed that as I lost my focus the pain I felt, increased ten fold. So I yelled at the thoughts in my head to keep it down and I continued on.

Well I had managed to get within a mile of the house and I was pretty numb a this point. My stride was so pain ridden that I practically drug my feet behind me. The moaning didn't help either. I must have looked like a freaking Zombie dragging my feet and moaning like that. Mothers hurried their children into their houses as they bolted the doors shut at the sight of me coming down the street. Every step was cursed with refrains of malice for the predicament I had put myself in. Hell! I was ready to bag this whole notion of a triathlon. "I can't even walk six miles without crying" I thought. " How the hell am I gonna do this foolishness of swimming, cycling and running. Each one of those tasks is difficult enough to complete by itself, not to mention in a row! On the same day! In an alotted period of time!" What the fuck was I thinking.

My house was soon in sight and the funny thing was, it actually got tougher to push myself forward. There was no second wind. No rush of adrenaline. In fact it seemed like I had to practically crawl the last little bit. With every once of energy I had left in me, I managed to open the door and fell into the front room writhing in pain. My wife looked at me from her perch in front of the computer and made some remark about a queen with drama issues. I couldn't really hear her from the profanity riddled signals my pain receptors were sending to the mush in my head that used to be my brain.

I sat on the couch for a good hour to get the old dogs barking at a dull roar. I swear at one point I could see my feet throbbing like they do in cartoons after being hit with a ridiculously large mallet. Once things felt a tad better, my wife helped my calculate the distance, mph and the calories burned. The results made it feel worth the struggle. The good thing about the whole process, was that I had gained a better perspective on what I am attempting to do with this triathlon. It has showed me that even something as simple as walking can be difficult when you don't do it properly. It is important to know exactly what your doing and ask for help when you aren't sure. If you don't, you could get discouraged and want to quit before you have even gotten to the halfway point. Not to mention the damage you can do to your body and your mind when employing the wrong information.

From here on out, I will always remember to take things slow, and ask for advice before I start anything. Now I just need bid farewell to my Chucks and get proper shoes for the journey ahead.